


Everyone But You

by princess_slash



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Asshole Brendon Urie, F/M, Hurt Ryan Ross, M/M, Slash, mentions of past relationship, minor brendon/sarah, past mentions of substance abuse, ryan ross/jon walker friendship, ryan ross/spencer smith friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:40:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6804880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_slash/pseuds/princess_slash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan's reaction to Brendon getting the tattoo of the yellow rose with her blue eye inside it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got on Facebook and saw the picture of Brendon getting the tattoo. It's so pretty! And even though I'm glad he's happily married, some part of my brain couldn't help but wonder what was Ryan's reaction to this? (Assuming he even cares). Anyway, the point is that even though I've saw Panic live recently, I can't let the Ryden go. The heart wants what it wants, damn it. So due to that craziness, here is my story. I wrote a Ryden wayyyyyyy back in the day. But, it was nothing like this. This has been a long time coming. So, besides the picture and the tattoo inspiring me for this... my other inspiration is The Good, the Bad and the Dirty. I have a few lyric explanations in this first chapter. Most are the opinions of other peoples that I found while researching while a small portion is my own personal opinion. Other than that, dialogue and most situations came out of my mind. I don't claim to own any of the guys or to know that certain events happened. Certain events have been changed to fit the story, so keep that in mind. 
> 
> That being said I hope you enjoy cuz it's sure to be a long one.

Ryan’s heart dropped from his chest somewhere down to his stomach if that was even physically possible. Facebook was open on his iPhone and all he could see was a bright eyed, smiley Brendon laying back in the chair getting a yellow rose and Sarah’s bright blue eye tattooed on his arm. It wouldn’t have stung so much if it wasn’t for the sheer size of the tat. How fucking big did Brendon want it to be? Was he wearing it as sort of a badge of honor? It didn’t help that every crease and eyelash of the eye were so detailed. 

The hurt started in the back of his throat before slipping down the rest of his body. It was bad enough when Brendon married her to keep up whatever ruse he was trying to keep up. But, this. Seeing him this god damn happy to have a yellow rose with her eye, all seeing eye on his arm permanently stung. Not that you could tell a lot from a picture. Pictures could be interpreted different ways by different people. Even if Brendon wasn’t totally thrilled to get that random tat while on the road, it didn’t lessen the sting of the hurt.   
He laid in bed staring at that picture on Facebook for an indiscernible amount of time. He couldn’t even tell that tears had slid down his cheeks until he saw them when his phone screen faded to black. Did she even know everything that happened between them before she came into the picture? It was a whirlwind of events that took the two of them by storm at the time. Or as he himself wrote, “a therapeutic chain of events”. God, it hurt too much to even remember those days. There was no way he could look back on that now without completely breaking down. Not when he had worked so fucking hard to make himself feel better after all those years ago. 

It made no fucking sense how after being semi okay that he was breaking down over a picture of a tattoo. Brendon got tattoos all the time, why was this any different? It was common knowledge that people got tattoos that they would later regret. The part that fucked him up the most was how happy Brendon looked while inking that into his skin. How was it fair that he got to be happy but Ryan had to live in a pit of sadness? What breakup was ever amicable? Brendon and himself told the press that he and Jon’s split from the band was amicable. That split was amicable, but the one between he and Ryan was anything but. 

That wasn’t the only reason that Ryan and Jon left. Anytime he and Brendon tried to write songs on that last tour it never worked. Brendon’s biting tone criticizing every lyric and chord tore his confidence down. The days where Brendon and Ryan as a song writing duo that came together perfectly were over. Brendon wanted more fame than what he already had. He wanted a more pop sound and Ryan just couldn’t “cut it” as Brendon told him the day he and Jon left. Apparently, Ryan was “old news, used up. Not good anymore. An okay fuck in a pinch, but that’s it”. As soon as Ryan relayed to Jon exactly what Brendon said, Jon packed them up and they split. Brendon had gotten way too full of himself and his abilities to sing and put together the instrumentals for everything. The third album was to be the best yet according to Brendon. 

Brendon’s ego was off the fucking charts and kept getting worse. The fans were addicted to his voice, his stage presence, the way he touched Ryan on stage, his everything. And when Ryan and Jon left, the fans sided with Brendon which stung. If it wasn’t for Ryan’s words, no one would know who Brendon was. Pete wanted nothing to do with Ryan either after the split. It was like he was being shunned for not doing everything Brendon asked. Brendon became a diva in every sense of the word. Ryan later found out that Brendon actually started talking to Sarah while they were still engaging in whatever it was they engaged in on the road. Which meant that Brendon had been done with Ryan a few weeks before he actually ended things. Presently, Brendon was still just as arrogant as he had been when they split. 

Ryan and Jon took their new material and formed the Young Veins with the exact sound that they were looking for. The album came out, they played shows and then the band was placed on hiatus. For whatever reason, it just wasn’t working. That had been hard to stop making music and watch Brendon be successful with all of Panic’s albums. It was also hard for Ryan to go out in public feeling like a failure. He especially didn’t want to have to look Brendon in the face knowing that his cutting words had been right, “you’re old news”. Basically, after the Young Veins went on hold Ryan stayed to himself for a year after that. Once he could look at himself without feeling self-depreciating, he got back into the scene as a song writer rather than looking for another band. 

Death of a Bachelor was released and Panic was out on a huge promo tour. It took weeks of plucking up the courage before Ryan could actually listen to his voice and words. Finally, he called Spencer over to listen to it with him. Jon wanted no part of that since he was busy reimagining whatever would happen with the Young Veins. Spencer left the band last due to his addiction to coke. Ryan was one of the few people that stuck with him through the whole getting sober process and what came after. Brendon wished Spence the best in one breath and replaced him in the next. Spencer harbored some hurt feelings directed at Brendon as well. Even though Spencer stuck with him and went along with his new vision for the band, nothing was ever fucking good enough for Brendon. 

It was anyone’s guess what Death of a Bachelor really meant. If Ryan had to guess he would say it was Brendon thinking back on his single days and how it was over since he was married. But, that was only the surface. There was so much more hidden meaning in that album than just that one thought. One song in particular had Ryan buzzing with anger and curiosity. The Good, The Bad and The Dirty took his ears by storm, making it impossible to not focus on everything Brendon said. Ryan googled song explanations to see what other people had to say. Most said it sounded like he was talking about an old relationship and that he wanted to leave it in the past. (See: Turn the memory to stone, And carve your shoulder). 

What really got Ryan thinking and dissecting every lyric was that god damn chorus. “If you wanna start a fight, you better throw the first punch. Make it a good one”. From what he read, most people were under the impression that it was an encouraging word for his followers to go after what they want. One smart, perceptive person pointed out that it sounded like he was spoiling for a fight, wanting to challenge an opponent. That theory was something Ryan could get behind especially after hearing that very last verse. “And you been gone so long, I forgot what you feel like. But I’m not gonna think about that right now.” Maybe Ryan was reaching and his interpretations of the song were just bullshit. Something deep down in his bones told him he was right. He didn’t come to his realization though until he looked at Facebook and saw that picture of him getting the tattoo. 

That being said, yellow roses were said to symbolize jealousy, friendship and apologies. What exactly was he apologizing for if that were indeed the case? He wasn’t sure of the answer to that. The only thing he was sure of without a doubt was of the fact that Brendon issued a challenge. When the album first dropped, Ryan had no interest in taking Brendon up on that challenge. Now that he’s stared at this tattoo over and over and thinking of what it could mean, he knew he had to rise to the challenge. Ryan hid and spent years avoiding the front man as much as he could. He wanted nothing to do with him at all. But, now all he could think about was driving to whatever city Brendon was in and making him say his name like “the good, the bad and the dirty”. After all, that’s what Brendon wanted wasn’t it?


	2. Chapter 2

After some quick research online, Ryan discovered that Panic’s next show was in Vegas. Which was just perfect since it wasn’t far too much driving distance from his LA apartment. It was at one of the bigger hotels on the strip which meant all he had to do was book a room there. He wasn’t leaving Vegas until he confronted Brendon. Spencer thought he was perfectly within his rights to go see what was up. 

Ryan wasn’t afraid of Brendon or his harsh words anymore. There was nothing he could say to Ryan that would hurt more than what he said the day him and Jon left that tour bus. Plus, Spencer said it might give him some closure to finally move on. Jon had no idea what Ryan was up which was why he swore Spencer to secrecy. Ryan knew that Jon would either want to come with him or stop him from going. It wasn’t that Ryan didn’t appreciate Jon’s friendship or company. The issue was that Ryan needed to quit hiding behind other people. As much as he loved Jon, he couldn’t let him fight this battle with Brendon.

Brendon spent the last 8 or so years being a grade A asshole to Ryan. Ryan was fucking done with hiding out and pretending that 2004-2008 never happened. It happened and he had to deal with it in order to quit living in the past. Ryan also didn’t give a shit if Sarah, the wifey, was on the tour or not. All Ryan needed was a little bit of time to show Brendon that his shit wasn’t going to be tolerated anymore. Which was why Spencer was staying over to take care of Dottie while he was gone. Dottie was the only friend that Ryan had for a while when he was avoiding the rest of the world. That unconditional love from her showed him that particular emotion was possible to have, but that he had to be careful shelling it out to just anyone. Because sometimes that love wasn’t returned and left the other person in turmoil. 

There was no way that Ryan was going to ambush Brendon looking like a drag. Which was why he spent his morning at the barber shop, getting his hair cut cleaned up. Then, it was off to the mall to pick up a new pair of black jeans with a paisley patterned sport shirt and a gray vest over it paired with a pair of black boots. It was almost a throwback to his old style but still with a modern touch that kept him anchored in the present. A knock sounded at the door, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

“Open up, Ross!” called Spencer. 

Ryan walked over to the front door, opening it up to see Spencer with a couple of grocery bags. Spencer pushed past him going into his kitchen. 

“What’s all this?” asked Ryan, eyeing the bags filled with food. 

“You may be gone for more than a night. I wanted to be prepared since Brendon is in the equation. There’s no telling what will happen. What if he throws you out?” shot back Spencer, putting a pack of meat in the fridge. 

“If he’s smart, he won’t try. All I have to do is throw my name around to whoever at security and I should be able to get back stage. I’m not paying to see the band I built,” answered Ryan, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Spencer looked up, turning his blue eyes to Ryan. “Yeah, forget what I said. Looking like you do, you shouldn’t have a problem doing exactly that.”

“Wait, is it too much?” asked Ryan, self-consciously rubbing a hand behind his head. 

“No, man. It’s not that at all. You look better than you have in a while. It also looks like you’re feeling better. I know it was tough seeing him get that tattoo or whatever. You’ve done a good job of facing this thing head on. Don’t go over there and let Brendon say one mean thing that tears up your eyes and causes you to immediately leave,” answered Spencer. 

“That’s not gonna happen. He’s got some shit to answer for. He can tell me just about anything. It’s not gonna make me weak though. I remember everything he said. Did I ever tell you what he said the day Jon and I left?” questioned Ryan, feeling anger start to form as he thought of how Brendon would probably try to be as mean as possible to get him to leave. 

“I don’t think so. Jon never would talk about that,” replied Spencer. 

“Well, he told me that I was old news, used up, not good anymore. That wasn’t the worst part though. The worst part was that he said I was an okay fuck in a pinch, but that was it. Basically, he smashed my heart that day. It hasn’t been able to be put back together until about a couple years ago. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you, Jon and Dottie. But, I’m stronger now than I was then. He can try to hurt me, but he won’t have that power,” said Ryan with conviction in his voice. 

“I just can’t believe he said that and brushed you off the way he did. When he came back on the bus it was like nothing happened. That pisses me off and I almost want to say something to him. There was no need for him to say that to you. It’s hard to pull back and not say anything when I really want to. However, you’re a grown man and can take care of this yourself,” commented Spencer.

“Thanks, Spence. I know this sounds crazy for me to do this so many years later. I’m tired of living in the dark. And it wasn’t just the fact of him getting that tat. It’s also that fucking song.”

“The one where he’s singing about a fight. That was written about you, Ry. No other explanation,” said Spence. 

“Exactly, he’s calling me out. I’m going to answer that call whether he likes it or not. It may not be an ideal time for him, but it is for me. I better get on the road if I want to get there on time.”

“Keep me in the loop and I’ll make your excuses to Jon. If you end up staying the night or anything, let me know,” reminded Spence. 

“No problem. Let’s hope this doesn’t end with a bloody lip or anything. Because as much as he thinks he’s a wiz with words, I’m about to hurt him tonight with mine.” 

Spencer came forward, pulling Ryan in for a hug before letting him leave. Ryan smiled at him before kissing Dottie on the head. As he walked over to his car, he wondered if he would be staying the night in Vegas. He hadn’t thought to pack a change of clothes or anything. He shook his head, quickly dismissing the thought since there was no reason for him to stay the night there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: the confrontation with Brendon.


	3. Chapter 3

The drive to Vegas was a fairly uneventful one as Ryan listened to his ipod through the car speakers. Nerves didn’t start to set in until he crossed the Nevada state line. Spencer called once to check on him and ask a question about Dottie’s food. Besides that, he hadn’t heard a word from anyone. Which was okay since he was focused on his mission. He kept replaying what would happen once Brendon realized he was in his inner orbit. Would he be pissed and demand someone throw him out? Or maybe laugh and brush him off? The worst thing that could happen would be for Brendon to look right through him as if he wasn’t there. 

However, Ryan had no intentions of driving back down to Vegas where it had all started and getting brushed off by Brendon. There was no fucking way he was just going to let Brendon pretend that he wasn’t there. That wasn’t gonna work for Ryan. He was going to have to step up and demand Brendon’s attention. The more he thought about it, the better he felt about it. It was the only way for him to feel like he was answering Brendon’s call to action. Besides that, the only other thing he was worried about was how his body and heart would react to seeing Brendon for the first time in years. Would there still be a spark of attraction or would his feelings be dead? 

There was no way to truly tell until he went and confronted him. Even if Ryan were confronted with positive feelings for Brendon, he’d have to ignore them. Brendon didn’t think highly of him and was a married man now. He also needed to bear in mind that if Brendon by chance did say something good not to get too excited and automatically forgive him for everything. That would defeat the purpose of going down there and making him answer for past misdeeds. Any kind of flirting or affection that Brendon might possibly show him had to be taken with a grain of salt. He had no fucking right to even think of touching Ryan. 

Once he reminded himself of how to act and stand his ground, he emptied his mind and just drove. The traffic was insane once he got closer to the strip. He knew there was no way he would get a parking spot at the hotel itself. So, he paid for parking a couple blocks away and walked up to the hotel. The area around the hotel was crowded with people talking about the band, but mostly Brendon. Ryan ignored everyone until he heard a couple people mention his name. He slipped his sunglasses on, doing his best to blend into the crowd and not talk to anyone. 

After walking for a few minutes, he saw the stage outside with an area cordoned off for concert goers. There was a security guy scanning tickets before letting people into the area. Ryan pushed his sunglasses up once he got to the front of the line. 

“Ticket?”

“Don’t have one. I’m Ryan Ross, paying a special visit to Brendon,” answered Ryan confidently. 

“Wow, haven’t seen you around in a while. Let me radio to get someone to take you backstage,” said the guy, pulling out a radio and talking into it.

A couple minutes later, another guy wearing a Panic shirt came up and gestured for Ryan to follow him. Ryan walked with the guy up to the back of the stage where a small area had been set up for the band. Luckily, the show was already going on so Ryan was shown to a couch and given a VIP pass. There were only roadies backstage running around messing with different equipment. One of them noticed Ryan and came over to talk to him. 

“Does Brendon know you’re here?” he asked, handing Ryan a bottle of water.

“Not exactly. It was a last minute thing. I was in the area and wanted to pay my favorite front man a visit,” answered Ryan. 

“He’ll be stoked I’m sure. Enjoy the show, man,” said the guy before going back to work. 

Ryan nodded settling back in his seat, enjoying the music. So far, they’d played Victorious, Emperor’s New Clothes and Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Time. It took all Ryan had not to get choked up at hearing Nine In the Afternoon and Lying. That sadness quickly dissipated when he heard the familiar starting notes of The Good, The Bad and The Dirty with Brendon talking. 

“Man, you guys don’t know how fucking good it feels to be back in my hometown of Vegas. This next one brings back a lot of memories for me. I’ve seen the lyric explanations and some want to speculate on who I’m calling out. Let’s just say that the call still hasn’t been answered,” said Brendon before launching into the song. 

Ryan clenched his fists at how fucking self-serving Brendon sounded. Too fucking bad. Little did Brendon know the one he was calling out was waiting for him backstage. Once that song was over there were only a few left before the end of the show. Ryan stood up from the couch beginning to pace as he readied himself to see Brendon. At first he was going to wait until he got showered and everything. Not after how Brendon talked to the crowd during that song. No way in hell was Ryan waiting any longer. The other band members rushed back stage as the crowd exploded with screams. Roadies crowded around handing out towels and taking their instruments. Ryan’s heart slammed against his ribs as he waited for the moment Brendon would appear. 

The moment came when Brendon in all of his not glory came to the backstage area. His dark hair was pushed back from his face with sweat, his brown eyes shone with adrenaline as his pupils were blown and it was one of those moments where he never looked better and Ryan couldn’t stand it. Damn it, his old song lyrics were coming back to haunt him. Time was frozen as one of the roadies alerted Brendon to Ryan’s presence. Once those eyes turned to examine Ryan with a cool air, he straightened up waiting for Brendon to come over to him. A smirk crossed his features as he sidled up to Ryan. 

“Are my eyes deceiving me? Is it really Ryan Ross here at a Panic show to see me? To what do I owe the pleasure?” asked Brendon, crossing his arms. 

That was okay since Ryan wasn’t expecting a hug or handshake at all. “Cut the dramatics, Bren. You called me out and I’m here to answer that. If you thought I was going to hide away and let you forget who helped get you onto the path you’re on now, then you were sorely mistaken.” 

Pure shock graced Brendon’s not beautiful face as he was slammed with Ryan’s words. The satisfaction welled up in Ryan’s chest as he tried to forget that he called him by his nickname and not his actual name. 

“So, that’s how you’ve spent the last years. Grew some balls and continued to be bitter over my success,” shot back Brendon. 

Zack and Dallon looked on curiously at the confrontation that was taking place. Ryan ignored both of them as he thought of what to say next. 

“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m not bitter at all about your success. Look, I’m proud for you that you were able to keep on even after you lost key members to the band. You wrote some pretty good lyrics and kept it going. Congrats, man. That’s awesome, but your ego is the size of Texas. You seem to forget that even though you kept the name, I had to put up with a lot of shit. That’s why I came here tonight was to go over everything that’s happened. I didn’t come here to take petty shots at who’s been more successful,” quipped Ryan, lowering his voice. 

“I seem to have forgotten what a master of words you are. Well, since you’re here I guess I can spare a few minutes to talk with you. Obviously, I’d rather do it in private. Don’t need my new band hearing the old band’s dirty laundry. Let’s go back to my room. The after party can wait,” said Brendon in a conspiratorial tone. 

Ryan nodded, not wanting to say anything else until they were in private. Brendon tugged off his blazer throwing it on the couch and grabbing a towel from a roadie. Ryan followed him out of the backstage area as Brendon waved off people that tried to talk to him. Brendon kept Ryan from getting lost in the mass of the crowd by tugging him along with his finger hooked in his belt loop. Ryan tried to ignore the fast pace of his heart beat, chocking it up to nerves for the conversation they were about to have. Once they were in the hotel, Brendon tugged him over to the elevator. When the doors slid closed, he released his grip on Ryan. 

Brendon pulled out a pack of cigarettes, pressing one to his lips as he lit it. Ryan wrinkled up his nose glad he had kicked that bad habit a few years ago. The song Nicotine played in Ryan’s mind as he watched Brendon smoke. Did he really have to connect everything with song lyrics? The doors opened and Ryan shook his head to himself as he followed Brendon. Brendon’s room turned out to be a super nice suite with plenty of space. It had floor to ceiling views of the city lights and it reminded Ryan just how successful Brendon had become. Brendon led him over to a chaise style couch gesturing for him to sit down. 

“The mini bar’s stocked. You want anything?” asked Brendon, walking over to where the mini bar was. 

“Pellegrino water if you have it,” replied Ryan, wondering if Brendon’s plan to deal with everything was to drink. 

Brendon nodded, pulling out a glass bottle of said water as well as fixing himself a glass of whiskey. He walked over to the couch sinking down at a reasonable distance away from Ryan, offering him the water. Ryan accepted, uncapping and letting the water cool him down as he sipped. 

“I take it you listened to the new album,” commented Brendon. 

“What?” asked Ryan, raising an eyebrow. 

“You had to have listened to it. The Good, The Bad and The Dirty seems to have been your motivation for coming here tonight. I’m guessing you heard what I said to the crowd since you were pissed at me when I came off the stage. Just surprised you would let a song force you to come all the way here to call me out,” said Brendon. 

“It wasn’t the song that forced me to come here. That was only the motivation, but I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while. I’m done with avoiding you and acting like the time we spent together never happened. Think of this as me throwing the first punch,” answered Ryan, not liking Brendon’s tone one bit. 

Brendon laughed almost spitting up his liquor. “That’s your idea of throwing the first punch? To do it proverbially. You never were that much of a fighter were you, Ry.”

How fucking dare him to act like Ryan was insignificant and to even think of using his nick name. Anger bubbled up in his chest as rationality and poise fled his mind. His calloused hand reached out and slapped Brendon right across his cheek. “Stop being an asshole. You’ve spent years being that way to everyone and it being ok. It’s not ok with me at all anymore. You deserve a whole lot more than just that slap and you know it. I came here to get shit off my chest and that’s what I’m going to do.”

The laughter was gone out of his face and voice as he raised a hand to his cheek where Ryan’s hand had slapped the skin. For a second there, Brendon almost looked like the Brendon that Ryan once knew. Not this pretentious asshole that had developed over these past few years. “I guess I owe you that much then don’t I? Probably was asking for it. If it was anyone else, I would’ve laid them out. But, it’s you.”

Ryan shook his head, not knowing what that last statement was supposed to mean. “I hate to resort to violence, but you were asking for it. Remember what you said that day Jon and I walked out of that bus and out of your life? You said ‘you’re old news, used up and not good anymore. An okay fuck in a pinch but that’s it.’ God, do you have any idea how much those words have haunted me since you said them?” 

A blush colored Brendon’s cheeks a puzzled expression graced his features. “I can’t believe I said that. Honestly, I got drunk after that and don’t remember much.” 

Tears brimmed in Ryan’s eyes as it him that Brendon didn’t remember the words that caused him so much pain. Which meant that he spent 8 years being hurt over something he didn’t even remember. “So, just because you got drunk after that makes it okay for you to hurt me like that? To tell me I’ve lost all my song writing ability and that you only fucked me because you were horny. That’s rich.” 

“Obviously I was wrong since if it wasn’t for your words the band wouldn’t have started out as good as it did. Not only that but your work for the Young Veins was amazing.”

“Oh, give me a break. Stop trying to butter me up. Writing that music for the Young Veins was so damn hard when I was second guessing myself at every turn. It took a long time for me to build my confidence back up after you destroyed it. I don’t need you to tell me lies to make me feel better. For once in your god damn life just tell the truth about this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fight isn't over yet. Sooo what do you think of Brendon? Feedback is everything to me and I'm really motivated to write this. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Skyler. This story is eventual Ryden. Idgaf about Sarah, sorry not sorry. Ryden is everything to me and it'll be everything in this story.

“Ryan, I am telling the truth. Whatever fucked up shit I said 8 years ago doesn’t apply now. You’ve always been amazing at songwriting. For you to compliment even a tenth of my ability to do the same thing is more than I deserve,” replied Brendon, setting the whiskey glass down on the coffee table in front of them. 

“You’re god damn right. And what do you mean it doesn’t apply? Are you trying to say that you didn’t actually mean any of those things?” questioned Ryan, trying not to sound hopeful. 

“From what I’ve gathered, you were really hurt about what I said back then. I really wish I remembered saying that so I could glue my lips shut and not say that. The band was splitting up anyway due to me wanting to go a separate way with the music and so were you and Jon. I do wish that I had talked to you about the separation better than what I had,” answered Brendon, running a hand through his hair. 

“It wasn’t just about the music and the band, Bren. That was a drop in the bucket compared to what I had with you or what I thought I had,” admitted Ryan, drinking some more water to ease his nerves. 

Brendon picked the whiskey glass back up, swirling it around as he surveyed Ryan with his eyes. “I never really addressed that because you left. You leaving meant that whatever we had left with you. It was an on tour type of thing.” 

Hearing those words come from Brendon’s mouth, brought more hurt than what he wanted to admit. How could he handle the rest of this conversation? Wait. Why was Ryan feeling sorry for himself? He was supposed to be pissed, not mourning the loss again. 

“That was a very Brendon thing to say. Did you ever stop to think I wanted more? Maybe to me it wasn’t just on tour fucking. It might have meant more to me. You never think about anyone but yourself though,” said Ryan, tilting his chin up in defiance. 

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way, Ry. We were living the life on that last tour. Getting laid on a regular basis, playing the music we loved, getting drunk… couldn’t have asked for anything else. I don’t blame you for being obsessed with me and not able to let it go.”

It took a couple of minutes before Ryan registered exactly what Brendon said. When it registered, he jumped on top of Brendon’s lap, gripping his wrists tightly. 

“You fucking asshole. You’re still acting like it meant nothing…that I was nothing,” growled Ryan, glaring into Brendon’s shining dark eyes. 

Brendon stared up at Ryan looking every bit like the snake he was. He leaned up and placed a kiss on Ryan’s jaw. 

“You’re the opposite of nothing, Ry baby.”

Ryan jumped out of Brendon’s lap as if he had been burned. Had Brendon really just kissed him in such an affectionate way, when he was married? Also, was it true what had just came out of those beautiful lips? He didn’t know what to say as he leaned his head back onto the couch, closing his eyes. After craving affection and acknowledgement from Brendon all those years. Now it had happened in real life, but he still felt shitty. Wasn’t he supposed to have come down here guns blazing and get his answers without letting Brendon fuck with his head? He rubbed at his eyes, not wanting to cry tears for someone who didn’t deserve them. 

“Don’t fuck with my head, Brendon. It’s not polite,” quipped Ryan, feeling a little more in control of his emotions. 

“You haven’t changed a bit have you. Still sticking with your poise and rationality,” said Brendon dryly, throwing an arm over the back of the couch. 

“No, I’m not the same as I was. I used to take whatever you would give me. Not now. You know, if it wasn’t for that fucking song and that tattoo, I probably wouldn’t have bothered coming up here to confront your stupid ass,” confessed Ryan. 

“No one made you listen to that album, Ross. You already know I listened to all the records you put out. There’s no shame of it. And tattoo…you must mean this old thing,” teased Brendon, stripping out of his shirt and showing Ryan the all fucking seeing eye. 

“That’s fucked up. What’s even more fucked up is I cried watching you look so god damn happy to get that etched into your skin,” gritted Ryan. 

“There’s always something going on behind the scenes of every picture. You know that from experience. I wasn’t happy…I was drunk. All I remember was whispering brown when he asked what color. He told me to speak up and I had to say blue. I did this to appease her,” admitted Brendon. 

Ryan sat there with his mouth hanging open, not able to understand what Brendon was saying. He was making it very fucking hard to stay mad at him. How was it possible to even believe what Brendon was saying? What if he was drunk right now and talking out of his ass? 

“Damn it, Bren. You’re making this difficult. Are you shit faced and just telling me a line of bull to make me feel better? That’s now what I want. I’d rather you be mean to me if it meant you were being truthful,” said Ryan, setting the bottle of water down on the coffee table. 

“Are you so mistrustful of me that you can’t believe I’d have some sort of feeling towards you? Come on, Ryan. We were best fucking friends for years before we ever fucked.” 

“No, Brendon. I can’t fucking believe that especially when you told me I was just an okay fuck. Not only that but you insulted my song writing ability and you know I take that shit seriously,” bit back Ryan. 

“Oh my god, Ryan. You are not still hung up on what I said eight years ago are you? I told you…whatever I said I didn’t mean it. We were already splitting. To soften the blow for myself, I decided to be an ass so you’d hate me. Figured it would make it easier for you to leave and not look back.”

“All that did was destroy my self-confidence and make me hate myself. I’m pissed at you, but I don’t hate you. You could have gone about that a different way. Instead you made it sound like I was horrible and that really hurt me for the first couple years. I didn’t sleep and barely ate. Didn’t come out of it halfway until I started doing shows and shit with Jon. Anyway, you’re a grade A asshole and don’t ever make me sound like a coward in a song again,” chastised Ryan. 

Brendon’s lips crinkled up at the corner, trying to keep from laughing. Seeing the severity in Ryan’s expression stopped him. “It was hard trying to keep the band going when you two left. I’ve made it seem like it was fun and games. It wasn’t. Spencer went off the rails and couldn’t deal. As much as I wanted Dallon or Kenneth to be you day after day, but it never happened. Both of them play really well, but it can’t replace you. I try to act like I’m hot shit, but I’m not.”

“I’ve got skills so I don’t blame you for feeling that way. It’s hard to believe though that you were sad over me not being able to play guitar,” said Ryan, not sure if he believed Brendon or not. 

“Listen to me carefully, Ryan. You weren’t crazy, there was something there between us. I missed you for a long time after you left. Sarah came into the picture and I used her to cover up those feelings. You were already leaving…how would we have stayed together after the band broke apart? Would’ve been awkward to work that out. I admit, I caused more harm than good. Shouldn’t have took the choice away from you though. This me that you’re seeing right now is the one I’m too afraid to show everyone else. The diva asshole that doesn’t give a fuck is what I have to be in order to make it through,” Brendon revealed. 

In the next moment, Brendon reached over and grasped Ryan’s hand in his. Ryan sat silently, not removing his hand or tightening it while he digested what came out of the singers’ mouth. That was all Ryan had wanted was to understand Brendon’s actions and get closure. Only it didn’t seem like he was getting closure. It was like things were getting more complicated than they already were. First the affectionate little kiss on his jaw and now the hand holding. Ryan’s emotions were tangled and confused as this conversation had started out like a fight and ended with a resolution. 

“I feel like I got hit by a ton of bricks. Wasn’t expecting to hear you say anything like that. It seemed like you were happy with Sarah, but that’s the key word isn’t it? Everything’s not as it seems. You say you’re not the asshole you pretend to be. It was a damn good performance; I’ll give you that. You’ve always been able to put on the best show. You almost had me, Urie. Throw a few sweet words, kiss me and get all touchy. Maybe in another life I would’ve fallen for that. It’s a damn shame it didn’t work,” spat Ryan, yanking his head back and standing up from the couch.

He got what he came for. No need to hang around eating up his bullshit. Ryan picked up the bottle, finishing off the last of the water. It would be a long walk to his car. At least he found some sort of closure. 

“God damn it, Ryan. You’re not leaving me right now. You think you get to throw my own shit back at me and then get to walk away like you had the last word? That’s not going to work for me. I’ve got you here and she’s not here. I’m sorry it’s so fucking hard for you to believe, but I did mean what I said. I missed you then and I miss you now. Forgive me for being an asshole back then,” argued Brendon, getting up from the couch and going to block the door. 

“Oh fuck. I see what’s going on here. You wanna fuck for old time’s sake. I wasn’t a good enough fuck back then so why the hell would it be any different now huh? I don’t need a pity fuck from you. You treated me like shit then, but that’s over now. So move the fuck out of my way before I make you,” snarled Ryan, the anger licking at his insides. 

Brendon stood there blocking the door, looking up at Ryan’s angry face not budging a bit. Ryan placed his hands on Brendon’s shoulders, intending to slide him out of the way. Instead, Brendon stumbled forward straight into Ryan’s arms. Ryan grabbed him around the waist, steadying him. 

“Oh my god. Don’t tell me you’re drunk because then this will all have been for nothing,” groaned Ryan.

“I’m not. I’ve only had a glass of whiskey. It’s the fucking exhaustion. I haven’t even slept in days because she was with me. Luckily, she left to go do some work thing. Look, I wasn’t talking about fucking you tonight. Although, if you offered I’d never turn you down. I’ll take what I can get from you, Ross. The adrenalines what has kept me going. I’m so fucking sorry that I said you were an okay fuck. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. Sex with Sarah has always been safe. I don’t want safe. I want exhilarating, dangerous and passionate. We had that once and I want it again. Not saying we have to get there tonight. But, I’m glad you came to see me tonight. If I have to spend the next year making up for what I did 8 years ago, I will,” said Brendon, staring into Ryan’s swirling brown eyes.

“That’s a start. You’re exhausted and not taking care of yourself obviously. Let’s get you to bed and talk about it in the morning,” admonished Ryan, pulling out his phone to send Spencer a text.


End file.
